"I hate my grandmother!"
Wide-eyed and with incredulity the companion's head whips sideways to look at the person saying this. She then responds, "Really!? I love my grandmother!"
That first sentence pierced my heart. It was the conversation of a couple of junior high kids I overheard walking to my car one day. That poor child. That poor grandmother. An opportunity of a lifetime wasted...
I occasionally find myself wishing I could redo my parenting, but I have few regrets as to my grandparenting.
After infancy passed I dug into parenting with one main goal. (If you don't set your sights too high it's easier to meet your goals.) My goal: To be a more involved parent than my mother was in my school life. As a child I'd been envious of those classmates whose parents seemed eager to volunteer and attend school events. These parents seemed to be on a first name basis with the teachers and as a result, I told myself, their children seemed to have a more confident connection to the school. If a kid wants to feel a sense of belonging anywhere, beside their own home, school is as good a place as any, I reasoned. My mother only came to school for the mandatory parent-teacher conferences and upon my graduation.
So gung-ho, from Pre-K on, I signed up as a teacher's aide or volunteered every chance I had. Spending time giving one-on-one tutoring to students, helping out on field trips, making copies on the Xerox, or even toasting pumpkin seeds down in the school kitchen. Okay, maybe I took it too far, as our eldest once asked me to not sign up for his eighth grade school trip, "It would be nice if, just once, I could go to a school event without my mother being there." Poor kid. Now here, the pendulum had swung too far in the opposite direction. I eased up a bit with the volunteering, but my husband and I continued to attend most of the extra-curricular sporting events in which our children participated.
My other parental regret was that I put too much emphasis on rules and discipline and did not choose my battles more carefully. I was kind of a "because I said so" parent.
Despite my shortcomings our three children turned out well, graduated from college and became productive citizens. I give much credit to my sweet husband. What positives I lacked, he had aplenty and together we made a decent enough team.
I may not have been a perfect parent, but it turns out I'm pretty darn good as a grandparent. The nicest thing, for me, about being a grandparent is you kind of get an opportunity for a second chance. And who doesn't dream of a second shot at something?
Being a parent is different than a being a grandparent. Parents must worry about nurturing the child, providing financially, disciplining, teaching… why, the very state of a child's soul is dependent upon good parenting. A grandparent is not hindered by such trivial trivialities ;). We get to shower them with love and attention and the occasional piece or two of surreptitious candy.
I learned from my grandchildren that they possess the purest love. They know nothing about lineage and such. Their love is based solely on the relationship. I might look at my grandchild and automatically love him or her because I know them to be my descendant, but that same child would love you in return without yet knowing the physical science behind ancestry.
As a grandparent I found the perfect symbiosis. It turns out that the endless patience I developed late in life is a perfect match for babies, toddlers and kids. (I once allowed my eight-month-old granddaughter to pull each tissue from a 500 tissue pop-up box, tissues, that, I later carefully folded and replaced, just to watch the smile on her face as each removed tissue caused another to pop up in its place.) My grandson and I would build spacious towns on the playroom floor that would rival anything seen on SimCity. His sister would then toddle over knocking down houses and all but obliterating carefully laid train tracks, houses and roadbeds. To keep him from wailing in anguish I would yell out "Oh oh! Here comes the Sheba-beeba monster. Look! She's plundering and destroying the whole town! Who can stop the Sheba-beeba monster!?" He would fall to the floor laughing. When she took her nap, he and I would carefully rebuild and restore the town, joyed that we had overcome the devastation of the Sheba-beeba monster. Later I learned to split time between my grandson and granddaughter, not unlike parallel universes I thought, as I would pilot a spacecraft to some intergalactic planet and have my hair styled all in one sitting.
Oh and they are so totally different in personality. If I'd ask my grandson, "How was school?" he'd say, "Fine." Only an hour or so later would he quietly mention something that happened in school about which he'd been ruminating. If I'd ask my granddaughter the same question, by the time we'd walked the four blocks to their house, I'd have her revamp of the whole schoolday, names, verbatim quotes, the outfit the particular person was wearing...
They've moved over 900 miles away and I still miss them so that my heart aches. My granddaughter gave me this note at Christmas.
I looked under the note (oh, great now she's sneaking candy to me! And a pretty jewel.)
That's the way she expresses herself. My grandson is not as verbally expressive of his feelings. But when I sit beside him, just for a minute or two he will rest his head on my shoulder and then I know that he, too, has missed me.
I look up the word "grand" in the dictionary. There are seven definitions. I go through each.
1) a: foremost, having more importance
b: having higher rank than others bearing a similar designation <the grand champion> - no, neither fit quite right
2) a: inclusive or comprehensive <the grand total>
b: definitive or incontrovertible <grand example> - no, neither of those
3) chief, principal - no, no
4) large, striking in size, scope, extent, or conception <grand design> -no, but getting closer
5) a: lavish, sumptuous <a grand celebration>
b: marked by a regal form and dignity
c: fine or imposing in appearance or impression
d: lofty, sublime <writing in the grand style> -not even close
6) a: pretending to social superiority : supercilious
b: intended to impress <a person of grand gestures> -not!
7) very good: wonderful <a grand time> Yes! That's the one.
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